Why I Decided To Go To College

For the past eight months I’ve been working toward a psychology degree. I never went to college after high school, and at the time I had no interest in it. This has been stirring for quite some time. I’ve debated whether or not to go to college for psychology for several years now. It felt like a huge mountain to climb and I think I had a lot of my identity tangled up in the idea of not going to college.

But something changed this past spring.

It started with sourdough, a book, a women’s book study, and my uncle dying. Those might sound unrelated and random, but they’re all tied together.

There’s been a lot of death in my extended family over the past couple years. The circumstances around these deaths have in some ways made them harder to process. My uncle’s funeral was the only one I went to, and something about it caused a shift in my perspective.

I’ll share two of the thoughts that hit me there: 1. I want to live while I’m alive. I can’t keep putting my life on hold as a whole just because of uncertainties about the future and being in a season of waiting. This season matters, and I need to be faithful in the midst of it. And 2. I want to live like a Christian. I don’t want people to only find out about my faith after I’m dead.

A little context: I didn’t find out that these extended family members were Christians until after they died. You could say it was because I wasn’t close to the people who died when they did, but there was more than that. You could call some of them closet Christians I suppose, and my uncle dealt with several psychological issues that made interacting with others in groups challenging.

After getting home from the funeral, three things happened on the same day: I started my own gluten free sourdough starter from scratch, I listened to the audiobook version of The Courage to be Disliked, and the women at my church started a book study on a book I’m not going to name.

The sourdough starter was something I’d put off for a long time. It was one of those random things I’d had on a goal list for months, but hadn’t made the time for. See, when beginning starter, it takes a lot of babysitting. Maybe it’s silly, but it felt intimidating to make that commitment. Plus there was an issue of room temperature, not having the right flours, and not knowing which of several recipes I should use. But that’s a different topic except to say, like psychology/college, it was something I’d delayed in part from an inability to engage with my life as it was.

The Courage to be Disliked was the right thing at the right time. After listening to it, I decided to look into Alfred Adler and his brand of psychology. His perspective interested me (the book is loosely based on his work), and it framed life, regardless of situation, as a choice. Who do we become? How do we live? Regardless of what we’ve faced or been through, we have a choice in how we show up in the world. Of course I was aware of this on some level through living and through therapy, but this perspective was more intense, and it got my attention. I don’t agree with the idea that trauma doesn’t exist, but I do appreciate the perspective that no matter what’s happened to us, we can always get back up again and make a new reality.

Then there was the women’s book study. The book was on relationships and was from a Christian perspective, but it was deeply flawed theologically and psychologically. It took a lot to get through that book. And yet, it was one of many dominoes that shined a light on how few resources there are for Christians that actually consider our human experience through a lens of psychology (or compassion) that also provide a solid theological base on which to ground the content and assertions. This has bothered me for a long time, but this book was a final straw of sorts.

While I was making sourdough, thinking about all these things, I realized that if I were to go to school for psychology, it wouldn’t necessarily be to become a therapist (though I’d like to leave that door open), but so that I could provide resources for Christians who are struggling. It was a moment of clarity for me, something I had been praying for a lot in the weeks leading up to this realization.

After talking with my husband and a friend, I decided to apply to an online college. When I was debating it, my husband said I might as well apply; if I don’t get it, I have an answer, and if I do get in and decide against it, I could always decide not to go through with it.

So I did.

That was at the beginning of April. By the middle of the month, I’d been accepted and started on classes. Because of a separate organization that offered at-your-own-pace classes that could be transferred in, I was able to complete three years of college in six months. This covered all my gen eds and electives as well as intro to psychology. I’m now eight months into my college journey, with seven classes left before graduation. As long as I stay on schedule, I’ll complete a bachelor’s degree in 16 months. Which places me right in the middle of my undergrad education (as far as time is concerned).

At the beginning of the year, I’d written in my journal that I wish something would go better than expected. And this certainly has! When I applied to the college, I had no idea about this other program (and was only told about it by the financial aid person). I fully expected this to be a four year journey. I didn’t know another option existed. And I’m so thankful for the timing of it all.

Going to college never felt right before. I wouldn’t go back in time and go sooner even if I could. The experiences I had between graduating high school and finally deciding to take a chance on college needed to happen. I had to go through everything I did to be where I am today, and I needed to have those other experiences and the time to work on other projects. I needed to be where I am for this whole college thing to work out the way it has. If I had gone sooner, not only would I have missed out on a lot of essential experiences, but it would have taken much longer to graduate after starting. The experiences I’ve had (personally and in therapy) and all the years of reading and research that I’d done on my own prior to starting college have made this coursework easier than it would have been without all that knowledge and context.

I also needed a reason to go. Psychology has been on my radar for quite some time, but I wouldn’t have had the same motivation had I stepped into this before.

I’m not sure whether I’ll end with this bachelor’s degree, or if I’ll continue on to grad school. Maybe I’ll take a break in between. If I go on for a master’s I’d like to go somewhere I can take theology classes as well as psychology. That might be difficult to find, especially if I’m not open to moving.

I’m still not sure what the future holds, but I’m taking it one step at a time. Sometimes that’s all you can do, take the step in front of you.

So, for the first time in eight months, I find myself with a break from work. It’s such a welcome and refreshing relief. I still have a couple weeks before classes begin again, and I’m feeling thankful for how this has all played out so far, so overwhelmed by God’s grace and goodness, and it is so evident to me that this came in His perfect timing. This helps me have hope in other areas where uncertainty remains.

If you had told me at the beginning of the year that I’d be where I am now, I wouldn’t have believed you. For the first time in a long time, I’m amazed by how much can change in a year.